I need to vent about me..

Internet: I need to vent. 

I feel like I have no close friends anymore. I can't decide if I've pushed everyone away because I say things that some consider abrasive, but honest... or if I am simply not a great friend to have. I feel like I'm a total failure at being a friend, because I'm extremely socially awkward. I never know if sharing my own personal experience is me being self-centered or helpful. I don't mean it to be selfish, but I am always worried I'm coming off that way. No one wants to share feelings or get advice from someone that is self-centered and certainly you don't want to befriend someone that doesn't have much to talk about. 

I have no freaking clue what to talk about! I am terrible with small talk and create massive amounts of awkward silence. I'm like, woo go sports team (I hate sports) and how bout that weather.. and I'm done. Everything else is stories from years ago, my children, whatever television show I've recently seen (which is rarely a trendy show) or a book. Riveting, right?  I could totally own a party. Is that even a trendy thing to say anymore, own? Is trendy even a trendy thing to say? ahhh!! 

So, yeah, I tend to just avoid everyone. I don't want to upset anyone with the things I observe, feelings I have about things, concerns I have about their lives, and I fear that everyone is absolutely sick of hearing about my children, their school, our struggles and how much my ridiculous chronic pain and anxiety keeps me from doing.  I feel like I am a complete failure at life. I want to do more and have friends ... I really do... but how do I even make that happen? I struggle to talk to the people I already know. I fear that people are either faking nice or plotting evil...or both. I know some of it is projection because I feel like I'm a joke, but I've actually had both things happen. Doesn't mean that everyone is bad... I tend to find those that are. 

I guess, maybe, I expect too much? I want to befriend people that are more like me than not like me. It's hard to find. I have things I can't stand to deal with like people that use people, racist people, thieves, compulsive liars, Trump or Hillary supporters, people that don't believe chronic pain exists, people that think autism is caused by vaccines or bad parenting, people that think depression is just something you get over or shake off, people that think if you pray hard enough or want it bad enough you can get over your disease/disability and work, people that think if you can't work then you are lazy,  and of course people that make fun of those with disabilities. 

Seems like a little too much, I guess. So here I sit with my autistic children wondering if I will ever have a friend I can hang out with and go have lunch with... or have a chill night with. I have my husband of course, but I'm sure he gets sick of me, too. I get sick of me so why shouldn't he? :p 

thanks for listening, internet.