Holidaze

Rather than enjoying this "most wonderful time of the year" I find myself swirling in a maelstrom of anxiety and confusion.

Do I go visit this person? Do I really believe they care enough that I should risk almost certain panic attacks, insults and possible other bad things? What if this is their last Christmas alive; would I feel guilty for not spending it with them, even though they have caused me so much stress and heartache? Will anyone really even care if I'm not around? Do I really want to risk exposure to other things....

It's insane the things we put ourselves through because it's "just what you do for Christmas". Does it really need to be that way? I don't think so. I think it is fine to only visit those you really want to visit and not be around those that you aren't comfortable with. Then I wonder if I am messing up my children by keeping them away from some of their family. However, if that family treats them as they treated me then I'm doing good for them. It's all a big emotional mess. I also hate that I find myself scared to visit some people over other things that I am not going to mention... but those are things that seriously caused a lot of financial, emotional and physical issues for me. It seems fair... but am I being selfish by trying to protect myself and my children? *sigh* Why can't everything be easy?

I figure no one is going to read this so I can vent a bit here. :)

I have so much more to say but I think those will be for other posts...